Increasing potency, or where does “male power” go?
A sexologist and psychotherapist tells about the causes of erectile dysfunction and how to overcome them.
The Internet and television are flooded with advertisements for “miraculous” pills and potions that promise to restore “male power” and get rid of erectile dysfunction . And supply, as we know, is born from demand. What happened – why did the men “spoil”? Internet and social networks turned out to be “more interesting” than living women? Or maybe the ladies themselves are to blame for the fact that their gentlemen less and less have a desire to be a man, as well as a desire to fulfill this desire?
These and other questions were answered by a well-known sexologist-psychotherapist Yevgeny Kulgavchuk .
Evgeny Alexandrovich, if a man is not interested in a particular woman and sexual life in general, it comes to impotence … Is this fair?
– The term “impotence” is excluded from the world classification of diseases and replaced by the term “erectile dysfunction”. Nevertheless, the word “impotence” is indeed still common in everyday life. The literal translation means “no power”. For men, this is a very significant area of \u200b\u200blife. And if there are failures in it, then in almost every case, regardless of the main reasons, there is also a mental component . Men only see the symptom, the result. And they refer to the loss of erection or its weakening in the process of sexual intimacy. Of course, as a rule, an emotional component joins these complaints. A man can have anxiety and even depression. Whatever women think about men, in fact, they all want to be successful not only at work, but also in their personal lives.
Now there is a lot of talk about impotence “getting younger”. Is it so?
– I have 16 years of practice in the profession, and I can rely not only on statistics, but also on my own observations. Indeed, over the past 10 – 15 years, a decrease in the average age of our patients can be noted. More and more young people are attending. At the beginning of my career, the average age of patients was 40 years old, now it is 35.
When a man “can’t and doesn’t want to”, what is to blame in the first place: physiology, psychology, or maybe social factors?
– There is usually no one reason. When I communicate with a patient , I try to understand his lifestyle – how are his emotions, does he get enough sleep, does he have a midlife crisis? What are his attitudes in the intimate sphere, what is the behavior of the partner? After all, for example, a woman who does not know how to seduce, but only requires the fulfillment of “marital duty”, is often one of the causes of psychogenic erectile dysfunction . Often in practice there is a syndrome of anxious expectation of sexual failure. In this state, a man fixes on failure, and the next time he is already waiting for her. Sex becomes a test for him. And if a woman voluntarily or involuntarily “adds fuel to the fire”, a sexual neurosis is formed. And the man turns on “avoidant behavior.” Some bump into work or alcohol. Some – unconsciously provoke quarrels with their wife, so that the idea of intimacy would look absurd. Confused men sometimes choose different ways instead of going to the doctor. And aggravate the problem and relationships with a partner, wife. And it’s not far from divorce. Some go to a urologist due to illiteracy , but it is necessary – to a sexologist .
Not “can” or “won’t”? Women are often tormented by one question: what is more important – “can’t” or “doesn’t want”?
– As they say, one does not interfere with the other – you can “not want” and “not be able” at the same time. But it is important to remember that an erection is, first of all, a clear indicator of “I want”, and not “I can”. But even this “want” is not unlimited. Much depends on the sexual constitution, that is, on the temperament of a man.
Is it true that men themselves often do not notice the problem or even accuse the woman of wanting “too much” from him?
– You can demand compliments and eroticism from a man – for example, kisses, gentle strokes. And the erection does not obey the will. Neither the will of a woman, nor the will of a man. As soon as the word or thought “should” arises, this is the beginning of the road to a dead end.
Increasingly, they talk about the impact of stress on a modern man – is it really so terrible for the intimate sphere?
– Of course. Nature is against conception in a stressful situation. And reduces the degree of attraction through hormonal mechanisms. Stress levels rise – the level of the anti-stress hormone prolactin rises, and it, in turn, suppresses the production of testosterone, the hormone responsible for sexual desire in both men and women. As a result, deactualization of the sexual sphere occurs.
The main woman is mother. They say that a man’s ability to “be a man” depends on his upbringing and on what kind of relationship he has with his mother – is that true?
– Undoubtedly! The first prototype of women for a boy is a mother. It is she who lays the foundation for relationships with the opposite sex. Every woman who wants happiness for her child, especially a boy, should breastfeed him for at least the first year after birth. It is during this period that a positive and negative, open or wary attitude towards the female sex is formed. Mom is first and foremost a woman. And if the family is not complete, and the mother tries to play the role of both parents, then the child will not see either female or male behavior as a result … And as a result, his experience of communicating with the opposite sex can be negative. And this is a direct path to isolation, disappointment … Moreover, isolation may not be literal, but emotional. For example, a man can endlessly change partners, remaining alone. In sexology, this is called promiscuity, that is, promiscuity without the ability to establish deep emotional relationships. Therefore, if a person dreams of creating a strong and happy family, these situations require in-depth study.
What are the most common mistakes made by mothers who raise boys?
– The boy must see an example of male behavior. If not in the family, then in the sports section. In the end, there are uncles, grandfathers. But ideally, of course, there should be a father whom the boy’s mother loves. Excessive guardianship, pressure, dictate are dangerous. They are fraught with the appearance of infantile and feminine behavior in a teenager.
Marry – only for love! Some women are obsessed with their appearance and do everything to please their husband. And some stop taking care of themselves, focusing entirely on the family, on the children. Maybe in general a woman behaves so “wrongly” that her man simply loses interest in intimate life?
– A lot depends on a woman, both in a positive and negative sense. For example, you can appear in front of your husband in untidy clothes, reproach him in case of sexual failure (although, if you think about it, it’s actually not his failure, but hers), not support him, but humiliate and “finish off” with words and all your behavior, and here is the result: he wants nothing! Therefore, to young women who come to see me, I constantly say: “Marry for love, respect your man, praise him – and he will move mountains for you!” A neat appearance, good physical shape, perfume, grooming are always a plus. But the panic obsession of some women with their appearance is already a problem of a woman’s self-esteem and her relationships with others. After all, if people are attracted to each other only by their bodies, this is a “castrated” version of human love. There must be a desire of souls, people must be interested together not only in bed, but also outside of it.
These “terrible” businesswomen. Does it happen that a socially successful woman does not attract, but scares away a man? After all, where did the armies of beautiful, smart and successful women who suffer from loneliness come from? Why do men avoid them?
– It’s not about success, but about behavior patterns. If a woman in a competitive environment begins to use male models of behavior – for example, she becomes assertive, harsh, and this is sometimes required in a competitive environment, then masculine or, more simply, “courageous” men do not like it. Feminine – more “feminine” (these are the so-called “sissy”), such a model may seem attractive, since they are accustomed to obey.
Take care of the men! If a woman is ready to fight for her man, for family happiness, how should she behave when her husband has problems in bed?
At the very least, you need to let him sleep. Completely stop any criticism – even that which a woman may consider constructive. Ask for forgiveness for past wrongs. To voice that she does not need sex for at least a week. It’s time to get to know each other better. And against this background – daily relaxing massages with oils. And you need to do them one by one. If there is no positive dynamics against this background, you should definitely go to a sexologist, who can find both medical and hidden psychological reasons for the situation. It is important to explain to the man that there will be no search for “guilty” and “sick” at the reception. Meetings with a doctor are necessary in order to improve the quality of your sex life – and this is possible!
Is there an example from your practice when a woman helped a man gain faith in himself – in every sense?
“I’ll tell you about the wife of my recent patient. Her behavior is amazing! I was approached by an entrepreneur who had suffered greatly in the new economic conditions. Many problems fell on him, and amid stress, a decrease in attraction to his wife began. But most of all, he was worried about how he would tell her that, perhaps, soon he might completely lose his business and they would be left without money and with large debts … But his wife was used to a high standard of living … I advised her to tell her everything how there is. If not a close person, then who will support us in difficult times? And my intuition did not fail me. The patient at the next appointment reported that his wife listened to him and said: “It’s okay, if this happens, I will also go to work. And anyway, I fell in love with you when you were a poor student. I love you now and I will always love you no matter what happens”. From these words alone, the man had strength, the panic went away, and his affairs got better – in every sense. At the last appointment, he told me: “I will never leave my wife – I will remember this day all my life!” I think this woman deserves his love. And I am calm for their relationship. I want people to love each other more, appreciate, respect, support. And that these were not words, but deeds.